Previous - The Vicar Returns (July 10-27, 1643)
This is the Publican’s version of the story told in The Vicar Returns.
Editors note: There are different uses of the terms ’tavern’, ’alehouse’ and ’inn’ in England at this time. We refer to the Publican’s establishment as a ’inn’ because it does serve food and has two rooms that can be rented to travelers, although there are not many of those as Andras Hill is at the end of the road.
July 10, 1643
The Vicar returned from Carlisle today. It seems he lost his left leg in some riot nonsense between Roundheads and Royalists. At least that’s what Matilda Potter managed to get out of the Bishop’s servant leading the mule cart the Vicar rode in.
I went to see him at the Vicarage, and he immediately demanded that I round up the hunters Philip Ruderfurd and Hume Valcar. He wants the three of us to take him to the Standing Stones tomorrow. Mercy of God, why?
I asked, “Why on earth do you want to go back there for? Last year, you said it was too strong for you to exorcise.”
“I brought the holy relic from the Cathedral. A finger bone of St. Thomas. That will drive the devil out.”
“Uh. ..”
How does he have the holy relic from the Cathedral without there being a whole procession from the Bishop on down? It’s far too important to be allowed to wander the countryside. But I’m not going to ask.
“I run a inn. I don’t walk the hills. Why do I have to help?”
“I’ve got a crutch, so stop whining. I need you to witness my victory over the demon and tell the rest of the village. Ruderfurd and Valcar can help get me up and back, but they don’t talk much.”
God’s Wounds! I’ve never been to the Stones. It’s a three-hour march up the hill to the Stones at the best of times. I can handle a drunk in my inn getting out of hand, but I don’t want to be at the Stones for a battle between Heaven and Hell. St. Anthony and St. George protect me.
Grumbling, I went back to the inn.
“Marion! You’ll have to manage without me tomorrow. That damn fool Vicar is back and wants revenge on the demon of the Standing Stones.”
“What? What are you going to be doing?”
“He apparently thinks I’m the town crier and needs to witness the event.”
“He must be awfully sure of himself after last year.”
“He claims he has the holy relic from the Cathedral in Carlisle and that will prove him victorious.”
There was a clatter as Marion dropped a wooden bowl on the other side of the bar.
“He has the holy relic? How?”
“I don’t want to know and didn’t ask.”
“Is it true that he’s missing a leg?”
“Yes. So he wants Ruderfurd and Valcar to help him up the hill tomorrow.”
“Who’s going to help you?”
“Funny. If he can make it, I can make it. But I’m hoping he won’t be able to make it all the way up the hill. You heard how terrified he was when he came back last year. I’m no holy warrior.”
Just before nightfall, Valcar stopped in and I beckoned him over to a corner.
“The Vicar’s back.”
“I saw a light at the Vicarage and wondered.”
“Yes. He wants you, me and Ruderfurd to take him to the Stones in the morning.”
“He’s crazy.”
“Yes. He claims he has the holy relic from the Cathedral in Carlisle and that will prove him victorious.”
“He’s still crazy.”
“Have you been to the Stones?”
“Of course. I’ve been everywhere in the hills. Never had a problem with the Stones, so I don’t know what got him so worked up last year.”
“I thought you were the one who wanted the Stones exorcised before we pulled them down.”
“I never had a problem with the Stones. Can’t say that others can say the same. He was going to drag the whole village there, so it was his job to make sure everyone was safe.”
“You know more than you’re saying.”
Valcar merely nodded his head.
“What I want to know is whether I’ll be in danger.”
“Don’t piss on the spirit of the hill and it won’t piss on you.”
“The Vicar is certainly going to piss on it.”
“That’s the Vicar’s problem, not yours, Blexham. You’re not a bad guy. Unless you do something stupid, I wouldn’t worry about the spirit of the hill.”
“You didn’t call it a demon.”
“That’s because it isn’t.”
“You know more than you’re saying again.”
“You’ll probably know more tomorrow, too. Why does he want me and Ruderfurd?”
“Because he’s missing a leg. He needs you and Ruderfurd to help him get up there.”
“By the faith of St. Mary! Fine. I’ll find Ruderfurd. We’ll meet you at first light at the Vicarage. Maybe we can just strap him to a donkey.”
July 11, 1643
Today was a day I’ll never forget.
As I was leaving the inn this morning with some ale, bread and cheese, Marion handed me a small flask of medicinal geneva.
“Just in case you need it.”
It’s always good to have a thoughtful wife.
I went over to the Vicarage and Ruderfurd and Valcar were already there.
The Vicar hobbled out on his crutch and manfully started up the trail towards the Stones. Ruderfurd and Valcar kept their grumbling to themselves, but they had to help him quite a bit by the time we crossed the first of the three crests in the way.
Finally, we cross the third crest and I see the Stones for the first time in my life. Massive. Upright. And yes, standing in a circle around a huge black boulder.
I’m gasping, the hunters look like they’re just out for a stroll, and the Vicar seems to have gotten a new life as he clumps over to the Stones.
He pulls a cloth out of his pack and unwraps the finger bone of St. Thomas. He starts walking widdershins round the circle of stones, touching it to each stone and crying out
“In the name of Jesus Christ and St. Thomas his holy apostle, by the power of the Holy Spirit and this holy relic, I command you to leave this place.”
Ruderfurd and Valcar just sit on the grass like they are going to be spectators.
I dropped to my knees praying. I know Valcar told me that I had nothing to worry about, but I did not want to be anywhere near a battle. I’ll be honest. I was scared.
Sounds around us stopped. The birds stopped. The insects stopped. The breeze stopped. I faltered in my prayers.
There was this feeling that we were not alone. That something big was watching us. I hoped it wasn’t hungry.
Eventually, the Vicar walks into the center of the circle and touches the relic to the black center stone and issues the command to leave again.
As God is my witness, I heard something in my mind ask
“Why?”
I look around, there is nothing in sight, just a voice in my head that apparently we all could hear. I look at Valcar. He has a small smile on his face.
The Vicar shouts: “Demon. You are subject to the power of God the Father, the Son and Holy Spirit. Through their power and with this holy relic I banish you to the netherhells from whence you came.”
The voice in my head says:
“I am a child of the EverChangingIs, not a demon - whatever that is. I don’t have to do anything.”
I look at Valcar.
“What is the EverChangingIs?”
“Something that isn’t Heaven or Hell? I don’t know,” replied Valcar.
“How can it not be subject to God?”
“I don’t know. Even demons know God and bow down to him. This spirit doesn’t seem to think that God even exists.”
I look back at the Vicar, who is trying to argue with some invisible spirit that talks inside our heads.
The Vicar put the relic to his own forehead and shouted, “Get out of my head!”
“But then we couldn’t talk.”
“You are a liar. A child of Satan, the Father of Lies. Begone!”
The Vicar keeps saying that he has the power to banish the thing, and the voice just refuses to be banished. I heard the voice say something about 110 million years, which didn’t make any sense to me since the Earth is only a few thousand years old.
Finally, the voice told the Vicar to introduce it to the Vicar’s God so they could have a chat!
The Vicar was like a small child trying to give orders to its parent. Valcar and Ruderfurd were getting amused.
I was beginning to relax when suddenly a crow flies down, takes the holy relic out of the Vicar’s hand and practically drops it in my lap. I know I’m not worthy to hold the relic, so I’m scrambling backward. Valcar grabs a handkerchief and picks it up of the ground and gives it back to the Vicar.
The voice in my head then says “Finger bones of dead humans don’t have any power over anything. And your Bishop might be interested in your theft.”
Uh Oh. Now it’s out in the open. The voice thinks the Vicar stole the relic. Maybe that’s why it doesn’t have any power.
At this point the Vicar starts screaming at the Stones and the voice actually asks
“Did someone drop you on your head when you were a child?”
Then the voice dares the Vicar to show that the demon has ever done anything evil.
The Vicar said “You would lead the villagers away from the true God. You want worshippers. Our God says ‘You shall have no other gods before me.’”
The voice responded “I have no need of worshippers. The villagers can worship your imaginary God or whatever they want. I don’t care.”
At that my heart lept in my throat. If God decides to be insulted by being called imaginary, I did not want to be wherever the voice was.
The voice continued, “If you don’t give up this nonsense pretty soon, you’re not going to get back to the village before dark.”
Valcar agreed with the voice and said we should go home now. He and Ruderfurd stood up.
The last thing the voice said was “Different is not evil. Before you start telling stories about me being an evil demon, I suggest you think hard on your own commandment to not bear false witness about your neighbor. And I am a neighbor.”
That led to more screaming from the Vicar.
“Nothing that is not human can be a neighbor.”
Apparently the voice decided that it was bored with the Vicar because the feeling of being watched disappeared and the sounds of the world resumed. The birds sang. The insects buzzed and the breeze came up again.
I took out the flask of geneva that Marion had provided me and handed it around. The Vicar took a big drink and then had a coughing fit until we pounded him on the back.
We started back on the trail towards home. I shared out the bread and cheese as Valcar and Ruderfurd had their hands full carrying the Vicar most of the way.
Whatever the voice is up there, it treated the Vicar like an patient adult would treat someone else’s petulant small child. I don’t think it’s evil. But I don’t understand how it cannot know God.
I definitely need more geneva.
Back to the Village
We finally got the Vicar back to the Vicarage just before nightfall. Mother of God my legs are sore.
Valcar and Ruderfurd put him on his bed and unstrapped his peg leg. His peg had been strapped very tight, so the blisters weren’t as bad as we feared, but he should probably not use the peg for a few days and give the leg a rest.
I excused myself and walked to the inn. As I pushed the door open, Marion saw me and bustled around the bar.
“Thank you Blessed Mother! You are back. What happened?”
I looked around the room. There were more than a dozen neighbors there. Everyone was looking directly at me and waiting to hear the tale. No travelers.
“Can someone find Mathilda? He has blisters that will need looking after.”
Cait Rede, the baker’s wife said “I’ll get her”, excused herself and left the room, trusting to her husband Brice to give her the story later.
Brice asked the question everyone wanted to ask. “So what happened?”
“He failed again. I don’t know what an exorcism is supposed to look like. I thought it would be all screaming and blood and things flying around. It was more like watching a kitten trying to attack on ox.”
“It didn’t attack the Vicar?” questioned Donnan Cullane. He has oxen and they are pretty placid.
“No. The Vicar would command it to leave, and it just said no, it wasn’t a demon and didn’t have to.”
“You heard it? Did you see it?”
“We all heard it, like someone speaking directly into your head. But we never saw anything.”
“Did it say anything besides ‘No’?”
“It said it didn’t want worshippers, so it wasn’t trying to put itself before the Vicar’s imaginary God.”
At that, there was an audible gasp in the room.
Luke Rawson, the Blacksmith sputtered. “It said God was imaginary?”
“Pretty much. Then it said ‘Different is not evil’; said it was ‘just a neighbor’ and said ‘If you don’t give up this nonsense pretty soon, you’re not going to get back to the village before dark.’ Ruderfurd and Valcar agreed with it, especially since they had to carry the Vicar down the hill.”
“But what about the relic? Didn’t that affect it?”
I decided not to say anything about the voice accusing the Vicar of stealing the relic.
“Not a bit.”
“What did it mean by ‘it’s just a neighbor’?”
“I think it meant that we live here, it lives up there and if we don’t bother it, it won’t bother us?”
“If we help it, it would help us?” came a question from a more optimistic voice.
“Could it come to the village?” was a question from a more nervous villager.
“How should I know? I’ve never heard stories that it ever left the hills. ”
Rawson snickered. “You didn’t have my parents.”
“Marion, I’m starving, did this pack of mongrels leave us any stew?”
I suddenly realized she was holding my hand. I don’t remember when she took it.
“Yes.” She let go and walked over to the fireplace, where a pot was left hanging just close enough to stay warm. She grabbed a wooden bowl, filled it, and then set it down on the bar for me.
Everyone seemed to take this as a indication that the show was over. The hubbub filled the room as everyone tried to make sense out of what I said. I sat down at the bar, grabbed a spoon and tried not to wolf down the stew.
Next - Marion Blexham (July 12-23, 1643)